Funny Status Messages

   Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole

   I can't believe it's not February 29! What happened to February 29!?

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   I was going to leave my body to science but science is already contesting the will and I'm not even dead yet. FML.

   I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.

   This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment

   "Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." — John. F. Kennedy

   Get over the Kellyanne picture folks, it's not the first time a woman has been on her knees in the White House. Sad!

   I thought they said it was a "Joint Session". No bongs, no puff-puff-pass...hmph, joint session my @ss.

   Rep. Maxine Waters refused to attend Trump's address to the joint session of Congress Instead she stayed home to work on a bill addressing the Russian invasion of Korea.

   Why are people so upset about Kellyanne Conway on her knees in the Oval Office. This just happens to be the first time this event has been captured on film

   Thanks to the last 8 years, at least the east side has plenty of vacancies!

   You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money.

   Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.

   Me: You are always so argumentative. Wife: No I'm not. Me: See?