Funny Status Messages

   I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.

   It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.

   How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.

   I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.

   Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.

   I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.

   Don't forget to tutn your clocks forward to eliminate one hour of the Trump presidency.

   Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

   My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs

   Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side

   We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.

   Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.

   Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.

   don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S