Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God always answers prayers. The problem is 99% of the time the answer is "no."

   Q. What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? A. Bozo the Clone.

   Country music

   Hunter Biden walks away from multiple felony charges. The media; look, a submarine!

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and WILL be used against you... So use your right to remain silent!

   There have been a lot of tasteless jokes about the lost Titan submarine. How could people sink so low?

   TITAN? More like TiN cAN. RIP Explorers

   A vessel that didn't undergo a certification process, had issues on all of its previous dives, and was operated utilizing an aftermarket video game controller. What could possibly go wrong?

   Titan sun

   Only rich people can figure out a way to die on the Titanic 111 years later.

   It doesn't require artificial intelligence to know that artificial sweeteners taste bad.

   Would boiling water in a balloon work in a water balloon fight? Asking for a friend 

   If we use feathers to tickle each other, what do birds use?

   Juneteenf

   “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”

   Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

   Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

   Marriage tip: If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   All of you, my friends are like boobs. Some of y’all are real, some are fake. But all of y’all need to be pinched.

   I bought some potting soil on Sale. You might say it was "dirt cheap".