GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   It's amazing how Facebook can spot a fake post but can't spot a fake profile.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   Post the four words every girl wants whispered in her ear.

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.