Funny Status Messages

   Fact of life: The older you get, the more risky a sneeze becomes.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   Everyone keeps saying John Cena tapped out. How do they know? You can’t see him!

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb", I need one that says, "Already disturbed. Proceed with caution".

   Had to go outside and think its so cold out here my hands are starting to free

   My wife accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her stuff and left

   Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a constant whining noise. They removed my wife from the car and it's been quiet ever since.

   Save $ decorating your Christmas tree well at the same time confusing your WiFi by placing Aluminum foil in the Paper shredder. Viola Tinsel and sketchy reception.

   A condom is a diaper for your privates

   If I ever get married, I'm thinking it will be closed casket