Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not everyone knows this, but the paper towels by the gas pumps are for wiping away your tears after paying to fill your tank.

   I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache. Then all of a sudden she isn't your friend anymore.

   ...and that is when I learned, never crank-up a belt sander while holding a cat!

   Due to the ridiculous gas prices, I will no longer be stopping at stop signs or red lights. I can't afford to idle. Thank you for your understanding and stay safe!

   my microwave impression: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BEEP! BEEP! BE

   If I go to jail, my wife will get me out. She never lets me finish a sentence. 🤣🤣🤣

   When you say you don't drink, everyone insists you have one. When you say you don't eat meat, everyone tries to feed you steak. But say you're broke... and suddenly no one offers anything.

   Marriage tip: If your wife tries to tell you something and you don't understand her use the phrase, "Honey, I hear you, but I'm just not listening." This will cause your wife to re-iterate what she wants you to know in a more concise manner.

   I don't procrastinate. I wait until it becomes urgent enough to feel important.

   If people make you sick, try cooking them a little longer