Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever is controlling me at this game sucks ...

   Today's tip: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to social media?

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with all the eyes cut out.

   Cheer up! Someone somewhere is thinking about me naked.

   Rectal Grease complained to HR and now we’re not allowed to use nicknames at work anymore.

   Why do we change positions when it’s the same hole? I don’t understand golf at all.

   I've ordered and returned the same boomerang on Amazon for over a year now.

   I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.

   I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make". When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." Then I realised, I was playing the bee side.