Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops...

   Marriage tip: If your wife buys tons of beauty supplies like mine does, just ask her "when they are going to start working". You want to make sure you get the proper bang for your buck.

   In Canada, you just suck!

   In Canada if we say ICE is here it means the lake's frozen and it's ice fishing time .

   I've abused my body so much,the back of my drivers license has a list of Organs I Need !

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependants in.

   My boss calls me, "The computer". Not because of my technical skills but because I apparently go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

   They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel

   My bank just charged me money for not having enough money in the bank. Turns out I can't even afford to be broke.

   Some of the buildings in town don't have a 13th floor, because everybody thinks that the 13th floor is bad mojo. If you live in a building like that on the '14th' floor, I'm here to point out the elephant in the room, which is that you can call it whateve