Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: no one will notice your holiday weight gain if you carry a pie everywhere

   People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders

   I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.

   When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks getting fatter

   Hot older men in your area want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat.

   If smoking weed causes short term memory loss then what does smoking weed do?

   For the ladies still waiting for their prince on a white horse, don't give up! With the recent rises in fuel, it can happen any second now!

   The Joker is safely behind bars. The batmobile's wheels are operational. Robin is a human male, incapable of laying an egg. And I bathe every day!

   I love waving at random people because you know the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the heck you were!

   When I was a kid we didn't have Facebook. We had a drunk uncle.