BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   Oh me? Just sitting around the office explaining Facebook to my Boss...... If anybody asks it's $49.99 to join & I discuss a lot of DIY projects in my status updates.

   HD porn, because I like to read the serial number on your breast implants.

   If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".

   I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**

   I haven't spent a dime feeding my pet python since I found the "Free Kitten" section on "Craigslist".

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"

   Sometimes, at the end, I press the "Add 30 Sec" button on the microwave just to show "Swanson's" who's REALLY in charge up in this MoFo!!

   Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

   My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas

   My cat just jumped down from on top of the counter onto my laptop on the desk, opening David Bowie "Heroes" on iTunes. And now he's the coolest person I know.

   Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer?

   Maybe Obama should have pitched Obamacare on Shark Tank?

   BREAKING NEWS: Vladimir Putin moves two Boy Scout Troops to the Russian/Polish boarder. France surrendered

   I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.

   I wonder what my dogs named me?

   Kids: Never tell a stranger where you live. Give them your neighbor's address and watch what happens.

   DAMN!! Obamaphones sure are getting one serious workout these last two nights in Ferguson!!