Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   Me to my Doctor: Hey, Doc. Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye. Doctor: Do you remember to take the spoon out of the cup?

   Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷

   Facebook and Twitter are no different than commun¡st countries who control the media. Although they aren't government entities, they still have far reaching influence due to their sizable presence.

   I don't know about you, but I think Kanye still has a chance.

   If you don't make it in Hip Hop, there's always IHOP.

   I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   I often wonder what would have been had John Lennon decided to stay home that night.

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   When you think about it, snow is nothing more than "rain, rain go away", that doesn't go away. It lies on the ground mocking you.