Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when the economy was so good that if someone had a roommate we thought they were gay ?

   Dear diary... Today my friends asked me to go on a 5 mile run. So I made a list of things I'll need. 1. New friends.

   No Burger King Day - Joe Biden

   Why does the last bite always taste like fish?

   I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor wakes me on a Saturday.

   I've walked like an Egyptian, moonwalked, Walked this Way, walked on the wild side, walked on Sunshine, walked all over you and walked the line. I've done a lot of walking. I'm tired.

   Alcohol - The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance "medicine"

   Yesterday I bought a map of the world. I then gave my wife a dart, and told her to throw it, and wherever it lands, I'll take you there on holiday. This year, we're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge. 🤣

   People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don't have one.

   Have you ever had one of those days, when you're holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?