Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I think about deleting all social media and living in a cabin in the woods. Then I remember I like online shopping.

   Can we please stop the spin the wheel crap when visiting a website already?

   I guess they had to invent artificial intelligence since real intelligence is running out.

   Screwed around and used all my sick days. Now I gotta call in dead.

   I called my wife to tell her I'd seen a bear on the way to work. She asked how I knew it was on its way to work. I hung up on her.

   Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.

   When your kids say they hate school, remember to tell them that someday if they're lucky, they'll have a job they hate too.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that'd be great.

   The Internet has taught me two things: First, there are some incredibly brilliant people out there. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

   Shout out to all the married folk out there waiting for their spouse to fall asleep on the couch so they can watch what they really want to.

   If people make you sick, try cooking them a little longer

   I don't procrastinate. I wait until it becomes urgent enough to feel important.

   Marriage tip: If your wife tries to tell you something and you don't understand her use the phrase, "Honey, I hear you, but I'm just not listening." This will cause your wife to re-iterate what she wants you to know in a more concise manner.

   When you say you don't drink, everyone insists you have one. When you say you don't eat meat, everyone tries to feed you steak. But say you're broke... and suddenly no one offers anything.

   If I go to jail, my wife will get me out. She never lets me finish a sentence. 🤣🤣🤣

   my microwave impression: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BEEP! BEEP! BE

   Due to the ridiculous gas prices, I will no longer be stopping at stop signs or red lights. I can't afford to idle. Thank you for your understanding and stay safe!

   ...and that is when I learned, never crank-up a belt sander while holding a cat!

   I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache. Then all of a sudden she isn't your friend anymore.

   Not everyone knows this, but the paper towels by the gas pumps are for wiping away your tears after paying to fill your tank.