Funny Status Messages

   The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis.

   The book on marriage says, "Treat your wife like you treated her on the first date". So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents house.

   I'm going to eat straight corn for supper tonight so I'll have something for the bird feeder in the morning

   Sometimes you just have to tell someone you can keep talking, but I'm going to hang up right now.

   It's not snowing!

   Remember those days when people used to write diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don't read them.

   They said iv got ADHD and it's the most ............ Hey look a Squirrel

   The only thing worse than your girlfriend sending you a text to "break up" is her sending another text saying, "Sorry, that wasn't for you".

   When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend I need something and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to help keep things real 🤣

   I run every day for 20 minutes. If I miss a day I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has really been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 4 months.

   I don't always get blocked on social media. But when I do, it's usually a good indication I was right and they couldn't handle it.

   The weather forecast: Snow possible, anywhere from 0 to 145 inches. Maybe. Could start at 5,6,7,8,9 O'clock. Maybe today or maybe not. Possibly none.

   Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle...

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   97% of what I worry about, never happens. Apparently worry works.

   I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   Some of the buildings in town don't have a 13th floor, because everybody thinks that the 13th floor is bad mojo. If you live in a building like that on the '14th' floor, I'm here to point out the elephant in the room, which is that you can call it whateve

   My bank just charged me money for not having enough money in the bank. Turns out I can't even afford to be broke.