Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when a TV chef says you can easily make this from stuff in your pantry. I'm still waiting for them to show me how to make something out of ramen noodles, potato chips, and a half eaten bag of Oreos.

   So, Howard Stern, Steven Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel walk into a bar together.

   People complain about gas prices but pay for gym memberships and don’t even go.

   Hey did you guys catch Jimmy Kimmel lastnight? Me either

   When I was younger, 'potluck' meant you were able to score weed in less than 3 days.

   Feeling like I have been eaten by a coyote and pooped off a cliff

   Tip: If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was in the movies, don’t google ‘old man bond age’ (trust me).

   Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle- age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   Now that I've gotten older, I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   Stop dating men who look like they'd steal the copper out of your IUD.

   Someone accused me of cheating at board games. I pretty sure they were just jealous I could win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

   If it takes 2 to make a baby, how come only one gets to decide if it can be born.

   Social Media. The place where imbeciles say they're imbeciles without actually saying they're imbeciles.

   If you see me in public, it's AI.

   I share the same number of no f**ks given for Tyreek Hill as I did for George Floyd.

   Telling me "Don't start" just gives me a thrill like I wasn't gonna start but now I'm definitely going to.

   Yeah, yeah. I've heard of Bad Bunny. He snuck out of the rabbit hutch, broke into the hen house, and fu*ked all the chickens.

   Nothing like a cross-dressing, h0m0, derivative, Spanish singing douche to perform at the SB halftime show

   Saw a homeless guy's sign that said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So l kept my dollar... just in case he's right