Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ast night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

   The world has officially gone full-on crazy. At this point, the best thing we can do is make some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show.

   Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Be sure to remind your wife to have all the cleaning and laundry done by this evening so she can enjoy her special day.

   Let's face it. Juneteeth is merely a replacement for a non-existent holiday in their culture... Father's Day.

   I'm thinking the guy who thought up the idea to build Venice over water is the same guy who thought putting holes in bagels was a good idea; he likes things that leak.

   Octopuses originated in Scotland. They came from bagpipes.

   It's not Juneteeth. It's Juneteenf.

   Jasmine Crockett is the Dollar Tree version of Maxine Waters.

   I was really jamming to the band playing at a recent gathering, so I whipped out my lighter and started swaying back and forth. The look of disapproval I got from the audience was worrisome. I guess this type of behavior is frowned upon in the Church.

   I like to eat some weird and uncanny food combinations that would otherwise upset a normal person's stomach. So I guess you could call me "The Indigestible Hulk"

   The Dow goes sky high, just as expected, and will go higher when more trade deals are announced. All the l€ft talks about is Qatar giving us a jet, and how they were roughed up for bum-rushing an ICE facility.

   Dat no funny I dontt get it I hit tumb down a lot becauthe I hav down sindroam