Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

   My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

   Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

   The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

   I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

   If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

   My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

   My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

   Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

   When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

   I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.

   Establish dominance by asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

   Got up at 5am, 8 mile run completed, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…. Can’t remember the rest of the dream.

   When someone is telling a sad story and crying, how long should you wait before taking a bite of your corndog?

   Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.

   "I didn't say I was going to Taiwan. I said I was going to 'tie one on'." -Nancy Pelosi

   I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

   Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

   I’m not so much 50 as I am 5 10-year-olds held together by ibuprofen, Ben-Gay, and weed resin.