GIL Funny Status Messages

   "Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

   I was abducted by aliens once, but after a couple hours the Mexican landscapers let me go.

   If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.

   It was so cold today, I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   If Jack Black and Jack White had a baby together, what name would they use?

   Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   Robert Kraft's prostitution arrest. Voluntary exchange of sex and compensation between consenting adults. Kinda like marriage.

   "Thank-you Robert Kraft and R. Kelly!" - Jussie Smollett

   Why are women and children always the last survivors in horror films?

   Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.

   Would taping or gluing my mustache and beard together meet mask requirements?

   The mandatory mask rules are preventing fire breathing dragons from defending themselves. Please vote Pro-Dragon.

   RIP Barbara Walters. Beaver Cleaver's TV mom died. Eddie, Whitey, and Lumpy must be devastated.

   I'm seeking scientific study assistants and participants to publish a study called "The Perfect Orgasm" - Pay is $20 per session

   Eggs are so expensive that I am eating steak, lobster, and caviar for breakfast now.

   FRIEND: Why do you spend so much time on Facebook? ME: I have serious digestive issues. I spend a lot of time on the toilet.

   Remember WWE admitted everything was staged entertainment? I'm waiting for politicians to make the same announcement.

   Instead of a coffin, OJ will be buried in a white Ford Bronco, wearing black leather gloves.