Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝

   Due to social correctness, BIack Sabbath will now be called, "A Dark Shade Of The Day Of Rest."

   I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the Ieft on their conquering 2 cartoons, a box of pancake mix and a bottle of syrup.

   My neighbor's daughter came up to me and asked, "Do you know you have a skeleton inside you?" I said, "Yes, Rebecca. I do!" She goes, "Is he mean?"

   If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.

   Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.

   Don’t forget to thank a teacher... for their part in creating an entire generation of uneducated, privileged, clueless wannabe social media celebrities with zero work ethic.

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.

   I'm trying to figure out why you're mad at me for not wearing a mask. Does the one you're wearing not work?

   41 shot in NYC this weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around.

   No one ever boycotted my beans! - George W. Büsh

   Mexico is reconsidering building the wall for the sole purpose of keeping out New Yorkers.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   I miss the 80's. (The temperatures, not the decade.)

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   So in retrospect, in 2015, no one got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself in 2020?"

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?