Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My weight doubles my SAT score.

   My kids can worship Satan all they want as long as they don’t listen to nickelback

   Shout out to all my friends who never post, like or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you silent friend's could do me one little favor and like just this one status so I'll know your still out there breathing and actually give a damn wha

   I don't want to brag, but I have the dietary habits of a much younger man.

   Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...

   I went on a cycling holiday last year, and it was exhausting! If I do it again I think I'm going for a smaller caravan!

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.

   Me: I wish for my dog to live as long as me! Genie: Your wish is granted. You will now die in ten years. Me: Awesome! Way better than what I originally meant.

   I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."

   I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.

   Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.

   Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.