Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".

   Prison guards and security are just a waste of money. All prisons only needs walls.

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.

   Why do people get angry when you say F you, or give them the finger ? But not when you say srrew you or up yours ? Don't they all mean the same thing ?

   I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.

   The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.

   I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.

   For a ski team, these guys in the 7-11 sure have a lot of guns!

   Calling for compromise, but only if it's on your own terms. How is that compromise?

   What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?

   After owning my phone for almost a year I finally figured out how to make the fonts bigger, which will make walking easier.

   Chloroform is my favorite essential oil.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...

   Everytime I lose a sock I gain a Tupperware lid.

   Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money

   People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.

   Anyone not doing anything except looking at Facebook, or not doing anything because you're looking at Facebook, want to hang out?

   Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.