Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   200 mllion guns, 2 trillion rounds of ammo. If we were a problem, YOU WOULD KNOW.

   Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.

   If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.

   If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.

   Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"

   Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!

   If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails

   Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss

   This might be the first time in history a husband can justify porn in his browser history. Thanks, Trump!

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?