Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.

   This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

   They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.

   Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.

   I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .

   I'm looking for a woman who'll love me for my money but is really bad at math

   I really loved that Stormy Daniels interview on 60 minutes. Best 60 minute of my life!

   None of us really knows anything about Stormy Daniels other than her first pet's name was Stormy & she grew up on Daniels street.

   Yesterday evening on 60 Minutes was the first time for a lot of men that they didn’t have to verify that they were over the age of 18 before they seen Stormy Daniels.

   Me & my dog lay together for hours a day. Eventually he gets up and goes to lay somewhere else. It hurts my feelings every single time.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness

   Joke's on you, fanny pack thief. That was my decoy fanny pack.

   I believe snakes would hate humans a lot less if they knew the world's first mobile game is dedicated to them

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner. Boy: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

   Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy