Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Strike fear into your bowling opponents by drinking three Red Bulls and trying to shove a bowling pin up your butt.

   I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!

   I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.

   Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.

   Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   I like to arrive fashionably late and unfashionably intoxicated

   A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.

   Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?

   A chef these days is someone who constantly yells and swears at you in the kitchen.

   Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound

   Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?

   The Age of Men is over. The Time of the self-killing cars has come!

   At the bar, someone asked me "what's my angle". I told her "about 30 degrees".

   have you ever quit alcohol to save money then realised that alcohol money cannot be saved because if you're not drinking it, it doesn't exist?

   > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn

   If you are surprised that Facebook may be selling your data then you are the reason hairdryers come with the warning, "Do not use in shower"

   Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button