Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't run from my problems.i sit on the couch,play with my phone,and ignore them like all other adults.

   2 idians running water and falling rocks went hunting in the mountains But only running water returned back to the tribe A scout went looking for falling rocks but never found him And to this day you'll see signs in the mountains watchout for falling rock

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is......

   The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the AXE because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

   Be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.

   From Cuddly to Stabby in 60 seconds. - a memoir

   I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   Chameleon cashiers give the best change

   You know how people duck when they walk under helicopter blades? I don't.

   According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?

   OK I get it, two wrongs don't make a right. But what are talking here? 500? 600? I am almost to 600.

   I am about to order a Code Red and one of my kids is going to be surprised that he is Private Santiago

   Driving a gray car in the winter is putting a lot of faith in your fellow drivers on the road.

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Eating kale as a snack has several benefits, including no one will ever try to steal your snacks

   I went to ninja school once but the teacher never showed up

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks