Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills

   I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower

   Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"

   When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.

   if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired

   Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..

   So a high school 1st year asked me if I knew the symbol compound of Hydrogen Sodium....I said NaH...

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.

   . My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   David Dennison is my President.