Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing

   I would listen to everything Dana Loesch says because she's friggin' hot!

   Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.

   Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.

   All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

   If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning

   I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there

   Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid

   Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!

   The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.

   Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.

   Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.