Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   Real friendship is lending your Facebook password to your friend so that he/she can stalk their Ex

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't, you better start praying"

   My boss wants to send me to a Time Management training class. Is he serious? I'm way too busy for that!

   Nothing around here makes sense. If something did make sense it wouldn’t make sense because in order to make sense it can’t make sense. Am I making sense?

   my way of gun control is standing mine in the corner and making it stand there till I need it again

   Not going to debate gun control with people who eat laundry soap and don't know which bathroom to use.

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

   I’m glad we have such strict illegal drug laws, otherwise people would be using and over doing on them

   Asking new laws and expecting criminals to folllos them is the definition of insanity

   Celebrities: quit selling guns. No one needs gun beside my bodyguard

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years now, so don't come to me with your issues

   How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom

   Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women

   When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?

   Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?

   We really do need a rating system for movies so children won't be influenced by watching the wrong movies.