Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scotty, don't beam me up yet. I am taking a dump.

   I see house flies in the house...horse flies near horses...so why do I never see dragon flies on episodes of Game of Thrones?

   NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that.

   I guess Prince Harry realize that Trump can't make the royal wedding great.

   I just bought the "Best of 2 Pac” CD and it's blank.

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks

   Atheists, spending all their negative energy and life talking about God until they become plant food. What a waste

   God created the world in 7 days, but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I'm a big deal

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen drink & a pregnant girl have in common? In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time

   I can't believe they remade the Pink Panther movie and changed the name since it stars a b|@ck guy instead. It is just pathetic how blatantly unoriginal Hollywood has gotten these days.

   Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.

   "Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

   What's the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

   When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze

   China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than from my credit card company

   No matter what happens in this life, I will NEVER give up on my dreams. That’s why I slept until noon today

   Michael Moore joined a protest against Trump colluding with Russians, and now we know the protest was organized by Russians

   I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe.

   I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.