Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

   18 school shootings since Jan. 1st...by the same generation that eats laundry detergent...and you wanna say we have a gun problem.

   Another Playboy model has come out, saying she had an affair with Trump, 2 years into his marriage with Melania. Trump, you horny old goat, you!

   Lets behonest.. Apart from "I love you" and "I miss you" which other jokes do you know? ??

   Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

   Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]

   Another school shooting? Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't go to school with a bunch of white kids....

   The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)

   Don't forget boys and girls: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING! So the FBI can ignore you and let the shooter go ahead and so his thing.

   After a night of passion, I told my new girlfriend that she was the frist one I've ever been with. She smiled and said really? I said yea, the other's were sevens and eights. :)

   Being a human cannibal is the only job where you can be fired evey day and still keep your job :)

   Be the reason someone smiles today

   The smog is so bad in my city that in the mornig the birds wake me by coughing in stead chirping.

   A reminder on one of my dating profiles says "You should be more popular!" I agree.

   Hello dangerous young man! Come and look at our extensive range of military grade, rapid - fire weapons, that can easily eliminate any normal people that question your anti - social and sadistic tendencies!

   When a person gets a dui and kills people we blame the person.. when a person blows up a building we blame that person.. when there is a mass shooting we blame the gun lmao

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

   Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”

   I just saved a$1,375.00 on my Visa card by not going to Disney World .

   If running on a treadmill was only way to Recharge our phones, we would be the healthiest people on the planet