Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I'm dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   I know it's early..but I often forget things, so I've just written my letter to Santa, warning him not to drink the milk at Bill Cosby's place!!

   Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   You want to force people to stand for the flag? Please tell me more about this FREE country of yours?

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   United States population: 323.1 million. Trinidad and Tobago population: 1.3 million. And they just eliminated us from the World Cup.

   Funny how there was no mention of Harvey Weinstein on Kimmy Kimmel last night

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning: The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign in it. "I don't share my candy. Go away!"

   Will the real Slim Shady please shut up, please shut up....