Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I suffer from a rare condition known as Aibohphobia, which is an unreasonable fear of palindromes.

   Clinton says "How high do you have to build a wall to keep out the internet?" I don't think she understands how the internet works, which is why she got in trouble with her emails.

   how are those refugees in Europe working out for you

   I promise I didn't have sexual relations with Monika

   Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...

   My neighbor OD'd on Viagra. His wife took it really hard

   My safe word is "Will you marry me?"

   Almost every hand you shake has touched a man's genitals. Think about that for a second.

   Cuddling, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets an erection....

   My goal for Easter weekend is to move just enough each day to make sure no one thinks I'm dead.

   Pro Tip: Keep your friends close and your enemies in a ditch, because they deserve it.

   "Could you guys just have your election now?" - The entire world to America

   When things get me down, I always take a deep breath and go to my safe place....Taco Bell.

   This April Fools I'm gonna talk a bunch of gibberish and act like I forgot about Dre.

   To All My Ex's Out There, you can block my Facebook, you can delete my number but you can never unsuck my genitals. Have a good day!!!

   Donald Trump says he "will spill the beans " on Cruz's wife, I always wondered what beans Heidi eats??

   Dr. Dre is a rapper, I always wondered what medical school he went to....

   I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?"

   Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.

   Dear Super-Positive People: Calm down. Not everything is a blessing, a miracle, or a gift from God. Sometimes things just happen.