Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I've looked everywhere" to men is really.. "I gazed around the floor then opened and shut 3 cabinets"

   I gained so much Winter weight, I had to go buy a pregnancy test just to be sure

   Please enjoy my TED Talk, "Turn Signals: They're How You Tell Other Drivers What the Heck You're Doing"

   Bernie "MAKE AMERICA POOR AGAIN"

   Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

   9 out of 10 men prefer women, and that other guy, well he prefers one of those 9 men.

   The world would be a better place if a certain group of people would be more tolerant. I'm speaking to the lactose intolerant people out there. Stop the hate.

   College student: I just graduated and can't find a job. I'll go back to school. Bernie Sanders; The economy is terrible and there are no jobs, let's send everyone to free college!

   FREE HARLEY DAVIDSON; When you purchase a tee-shirt for $40.000

   Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

   I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't erupted in over 40 years.

   Relationship status : Taken (for granted)

   my family is known for always having diarrhea. I guess it runs in our jeans

   Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

   Job Hunting Tip: Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.

   The world will go to war over anything. The mess in Brussels right now. I mean, how important are sprouts. really.

   Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live.

   Each time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard.

   Spring Break -- let's do this right.....

   Women are the only people who can go out to bar broke but come home drunk.