Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have we tried turning the U.S. off and back on again?? Works well for Earth Hour and political elections.

   Shout out to everyone who's trying to get their life together. Working on yourself is the hardest part of life. So is wet t-shirt contests during Spring Break!!!

   Had to take the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...

   One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak

   So if daredevil sees everything like it's on fire when he looks in the mirror does he see himself as the human torch?

   just like the calendar says, I "SAT" around all day today

   Wow!!! Madonna exposes 17-year old's breat during concert, teen calls it the best moment in her life. Hmmmm....I thought all of Madonna's fans were all adults in their 40's and 50's.

   Fact: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

   Proper Etiquette In 2016: Don't casually shoot someone while reading the manual of the gun you're shooting them with.

   I've seen so many bathroom selfies in my life that now I cannot tell if someone is sexy in real life unless they are standing near a toilet.

   Fattening Tip: You can pour melted ice cream on regular ice cream. It's like a sauce!!!

   Saying "Do I smell popcorn?" right after someone farts, so everybody takes a deep breath.

   My dream in life is to be a guest on the Maury show.

   Kanye West is bankrupt and wants to run for President in 2020, he'll a better candidate than Trump is with four bankruptcies.

   I'm excited this Easter to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%.

   So looking forward to all the Easter weekend mattress sales.

   Some people will not try bacon for religious reasons. Good to know, more bacon for me.....

   People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   One good tip to make the Outback Steakhouse more authentic, all the staff should speak Australian.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a good slogan for condoms.