Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview

   If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?

   I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste.

   that a Trump rally? I thought it was the casting for "The Walking Dead"...

   My friend just described her teenage daughter as "spunky", which I thought was hilarious.

   Real Nerd Girl Problem: Has more books than shoes.

   I'm kinda glad dinosaurs are extinct because I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few drinks on St. Patrick's Day.

   Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a huge gap of information.

   Father's Day must be the most confusing day in the ghetto.

   Doctors: "1 out of 3 smokers will eventually die from smoking," so apparently, the other two become immortal.

   If Kanye West was alive in 1963, he'd most definitely interrupt Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech with "Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz had the best dream of all time!"

   Pringles should be the only chip company to sell air.

   Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila. Perhaps it's time to try both....

   December is when all the Spring Break babies are born.

   How come the judge let that Hulk Hogan wear that idiotic do-rag in court?

   Will Smith is now older than Uncle Phil was at the beginning of The Fresh Prince.

   Ants kill 30 people every year. Marijuana is safer than ants.

   Instagram should have an "I can't like this photo because I'm in a relationship but rest assured I like it" button.

   Food Digger: (noun) A female who dates, establishes and maintains relationships with a man with a sole purpose to eat, and get food at someone elses expense. Please don't got confused with a gold digger.

   I'm not a fan of Donald Trump, but I won't denigrate those who are....and for those that are Donald Trump fans, denigrate means to "put down."