Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of my many talents is pretending to be very interesting in your plans when actually I am constantly thinking about my bed.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. It did not have Bluetooth, you could not take selfies on it or send any text messages... Even worse! When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive!

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent, polite and well-mannered that we only look at the remaining 10% that is covered..

   No babe, don't send me the nude pictures. Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet. I'd like to know what kind of psycho I'm dealing with...

   Life gave me onions. Onionade sucks.

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because I pretty much just burnt down my whole house...

   Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too.

   Springing forward sounds way more fun than it is.

   I'm always a lady, but when I am mad, I'm an evil sadistic demon witch from hell that'll make you wish you were never born....and when I am happy, I bake cookies and cupcakes.

   Plans for the weekend? Lie in bed and move just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

   My 3 year old can speak 60 words a minute... With gusts up to 90

   Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.

   Plot twist: you can't play the guitar on the MTV, gotta work for money and chicks aren't free.

   If the Apple/FBI conflict proves anything, it's that the NSA really doesn't have all of your personal information like people claim...

   Trump will be President!....I'm just seeing if I'm right on my Facebook memory. Thanks

   We were so poor that we had to stand out side of KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

   I don't know about sexual healing, but trust me, sexual resurrection does NOT work....

   some girls beg, and some girls borrow. some bring joy some bring sorrow. but the best girls suck and swallow

   I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart