Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just cracked open a book or as I like to call it "a beer"

   "Your word is 'ouija'" -could you use that in a seance?

   I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will track you down and you will pay. You have my Word.

   Back seat drivers are all the same. It's always "This isn't the way to my house.", "Why are we going into the woods?" and "Stop the car and let me out."

   Prayer is like duct tape. If it's not working, you need to use more of it.

   Why are there never any protests at events for Hillary or Bernie? Because those people have jobs and are at work.

   Some people say Donald Trump is a fascist. There is nothing more fascist than shutting down someone's ideas. Think about that for a second....

   The least I should get for paying all that money into 0bamacare, is a monthly update and photo of the person I'm sponsoring.

   There never any protests at events for Hillary or Bernie, because no one is listening to them idiots

   I wholeheartedly support #Nationalnappingday as a member of #allsleepmatters

   Vote for Bernie or get stuck with HILLARY for the next 8 years. GOP isn't winning anything

   It's not alright if a politician has been bought off by someone, but it is okay if they buy you off with promises of free stuff?

   Your hate for Trump only give him more attention while your love for Bernie is forgotten

   Skip Pi Day instead it's Steak and BJ Day, I like my steak medium and my blow job well done.

   A perfect Monday night: 7 pm -- Ahh yes Chinese food!!! 7:15 pm -- I'm so full. 7:30 pm -- Ahh yes leftover Chinese food!!!

   Love it!!! Autocorrect in 2016 still has not yet figured out how much I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

   My goal in life isn't to become famous or powerful like Donald Trump, my goal in life is to make enough money to eat whatever I want....

   Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit at a Trump rally to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

   The thugs showing up at trump rallies are just mad because they are afraid they'll have to work