Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama is proposing a dress code for America so no one offends each other

   At what point did our country become invaded by insensitive @$$holes who lack empathy?

   If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

   I was born and raised in the circus, so as a young boy I use to dream of running away from home and joining the suburbs.

   “One shot, one kill, one apology.” - Canadian Sniper.

   Don't "xoxoxoxo" unless you mean it... I'm not flying to Budapest again...

   Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

   I'll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

   The one good thing Donald Trump has going for him is that the more he speaks the less ridiculous his hair seems by comparison.

   I'm sorry I asked you what your "hair" was made out of.

   I don’t chase after men. I don’t even walk after them.

   Someone else can have my fifteen minutes of fame.

   When you think about it, it's a rather fine line with some between insulting them and describing them

   Want to get a song stuck in your head...After midnight, we're gonna let it all hang down...After midnight..After midnight,

   Time is the only real enemy......* JK. It’s spiders.

   Trump for president!! Come on pple!

   Of all the game show hosts, Trump seems to be the last one you'd vote for. I like Drew Carey, Alex Trebek or Steve Harvey better

   Moving into the White house would be living in poverty for Trump...he'd be slumming it.

   I think that Americans should be less concerned about Donald Trump's hair, and more concerned with the screw that came loose underneath it.

   The stock market continues to go up, and is probably a good place to invest your money if you have any. But as good as it sounds, if I ever get any extra I'm opting for canned goods and ammo......!