Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If ever caught in the middle if a kung fu fight, I'm just going to lay down and pretend I was hit by nunchucks.

   Girl: I’ll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 married people high five each other because it’s positive.

   The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.

   Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that automatically sends an email to your boss after you hit the snoze button for the third time.

   His plams are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WEBMD: Pancreatic Cancer

   There is so much caffeine and sugar in my system by 8am, that if I conceived your child at that moment you would have to name it Honey-Boo-Boo.

   I was only "premature" in a medical and historical context. It was right on time from my perspective.

   At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?

   I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.

   60 percent of the worlds population is female which means some of you are going to die alone think keep that in mind next time you get my text

   I don't think Bruce Jenner realizes that there can only be 5 Spice Girls.

   Chemists tell great joke, but they don't get a reaction because all their people skills Argon. OMG... that's Sodium funny, right? NA? Okay.

   Strawberry pancakes are just like regular pancakes but they got arrested for coke possession and picking up a prostitute in 1999.

   R acism is the logical and direct consequence of ignorance, stupidity, illiteracy, and unreasonable fear.

   a court date is technically a date, right??

   My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.

   Her: If I'm going to go down on you, can I at least have a hair band? Him: Of course *press play on Skid Row CD*

   Wait... which one of the Hansen boys grew up to be Taylor Swift?