Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.

   PRO TIP: Keep your man's balls deflated so he won't be able to bounce them around the playground.

   "I'd pap that" ~ Gynocologists

   JUDAS: "Still on for friday?" JESUS: "Friday?" JUDAS: "Yeah, you know, the Last Supper" JESUS: "The what?!?" JUDAS: "the Supper, just the Normal Everyday Supper"

   CVS Clerk: "Would you like a reciept?" Me: "Sure" *God uses two fingers to slowly close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the toolshed, but I'm great at analogies.

   Dear Kellogs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerley, Tired Parents

   Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know it was a bad idea to set the free.

   My friends 13 year old has never heard of CCR and now I've never questioned his parenting more. Only you can prevent Beliebers folks.

   My cell phone battery dies faster than a mother in a Disney movie.

   I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I'd still be in bed sleeping.

   Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn't come.

   We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.

   Just saw this chick at the gym do 5 sets of selfies.

   "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know" that you're an as$-hole.

   in the latest installment of the rocky series Creed, Rocky fights glaucoma

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of cats"

   Drink the Kool-Aid, everything will be OK...

   Nothing ruins a Hump Day like not getting Humped!