Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The friend-zone is the only place that has more deflated balls than a patriots game.

   BREAKING NEWS.....New England Patriots to start wearing an asterisk on their helmets....

   KEEP YOUR CAP LOCKS ON JUST IN CASE A DEAF PERSON READS YOUR STATUS.

   American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.

   Obama deflated the balls so the news would talk about it all freaking day and not focus on real issues.

   If people are against war get Michael Moore to say something so outrageous they will support it again.

   In 30 years, it will be 1/23/45. Carry On.

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   My favorite part about the Patriots cheating is it means they didn't have confidence in Brady's skill.

   Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?

   I've met some pricks in my life, but you sir are a fcuking Cactus.

   I saw Tom Brady hanging around my car.... Sure enough, I got in, started the car and the low tire pressure light came on.

   California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

   People dropout of school and get a job at McDonald's talking bout "on my grind" yeah okay, GRIND me up a Oreo McFlurry with yo dumb ass

   Can't wait to date myself on Valentine's Day

   Don't worry too much about being alone on Valentine's Day. It's just one day out of the year. There's 364 other days no one loves you too.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   If you're married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.