Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   K-WHEN, because everyone already knows why.

   I just found some old "coupons" I got from an ex for a birthday. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   The Colts would of lost using a Nerf football. . .

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. fried chicken is 75% off.

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time." Restraining order is on the way.

   "Respect costs you nothing?!" Are you sure?!

   Repeating jokes to different crowds is part of part of the fun, sometimes it is beneficial to change them up slightly each time, making them stronger, funnier jokes. So find something better to do with your time. Or just keep being a D!<k.

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...

   Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.

   you must work for Malaysia air because you make all my worries disappear.

   Ladies be careful when a dude asks you to come over and 'chill' it can lead to chill-dren

   Women who carry a little extra weight live long than the men who mention it

   I like my women the same way I like my suits...Double-Breasted!

   I can't keep doing this, but keeps doing this - WOMEN

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed private plane pilot. Please give me a call, my rates are as low as I can go by state laws. . .

   is ❒Taken ❒Single ✔ awesome

   must be awkward for jesus to be the only white guy in the middle east

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It was fried and eaten on MLK day.

   State of the union speech is on. Hang on to your wallets.

   Everytime a congressman gets up to clap, he thanks the lord for baby powder.