Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.

   I used to play in a band. now I just play with myself

   Just explaining to my kids how Annie used to be white when I was their age

   It's depressing how many people don't realize that a terrorist group is a group of people and not an entire nationality.

   Cuddling is all fun and games until somebody pitches a tent..

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   Oh my bad, I thought this was a site where things were suppose to be funny and NOT express your religious beliefs.

   Deleting my Facebook soon" = "Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important"

   going to opt for GPS on our next dryer. Should help locate those missing socks.

   Anyone know if there is an Angie's List or Better Business Bureau or someplace to file a complaint on a Hooker?.... (Asking for a Friend)...

   If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping

   who needs people when you got pizza

   you deserve more than a guy who wears t-shirts with "witty" sayings that he bought from jcpenney.

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator

   I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk

   What does JK Rowling text her friends to let them know that she was just kidding?

   My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet

   I wonder what gets changed less frequently...the diaper of a crackhead's baby or the filter cartridge in my Brita.

   NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.

   What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease? Let's name our sandwich shop after it