Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dr. King's dream of murdering Asian and Latino cops is really coming to fruition.

   What if...lollipops moaned every time we licked them

   I really hope 2015 is a better year.

   Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like “what is a movie”

   It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”

   I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.

   Zuckerberg has agreed to expunge the "Dictatators Suck" FB Page ~ Kim Jong-un

   i'll be live tweeting my colonoscopy today against the advice of my doctor and these nurses. And ok, here we go,,, OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.

   Attention pretty girls. Right now, nice, ugly girls are getting laid so stop being such a b*itch…

   I just learned that George de Mestral, the man who invented Velcro, died in 1990. RIP, George. RIP.

   Someone is not a happy camper and should learn to appreciate how those guys are saving you the time to browse through twitter for the best jokes.

   Figures... On the day I wear white underwear too…..........

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.