Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

   Kobe is about to pass MJ in points scored. He already leads 1-0 in rapes.

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

   People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.

   I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   When she pulls away, pull her closer. Women are just complicated like that.

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   Happy 12/13/14.

   haven't been this hungover since yesterday

   If there are any elves on my shelves I hope they are dusting.

   All of these couples in the Hallmark Christmas movies that fall in love in a couple of days should have sequels on the Crime Network by Halloween when one of them murders the other one.

   Toy dinosaurs are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. Oil comes from million-year-old dinosaur remains. So toy dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs.

   I just don't know about all this "elf on shelf" crap. Long before it was popular I was "elf on a milf?, Someone stole my idea.

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   "Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor

   In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.