Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex-wife never cleaned anything but my bank account.

   Don't even bother asking the car dealer how many dead bodies can fit in the trunk. He won't take you serious. Just crawl in & check it out.

   If you cry all the time, you will save money on a tear drop tattoo.

   hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

   I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.

   A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.

   If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.

   Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?

   "Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"

   *Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

   It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.

   Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...

   "Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?