Zinc Funny Status Messages

   If two people in wheelchairs are having a conversation, is it considered mobile to mobile?

   This morning, I got robbed in the shower by some soap scum.

   I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"

   Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk

   Toys R Us sells toys. Bikes R Us sells bikes. Imagine my disappointment when I went next door to Babies R Us

   If you don't like gay marriage blame straight people. They're the ones who keep on having gay babies.

   I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.

   I've got some terrible news: FOX

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

   I really only realize what I'm missing by not having a relationship when I have to make my own sandwiches.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.

   I'm sick of people comparing Freddie Mercury to God. I mean, the guy was pretty good, but he was no Freddie Mercury.

   I just realized that sometimes I can be a little condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   Alcohol doesn't solve problems, but neither does milk

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?