Goober Peas Funny Status Messages

   "Sometimes, women are so sensitive! Very nicely, I asked the woman sitting next to me if I could smell her armpits. "NO!" she exclaimed. I said, "Well, it must be your feet then." Now she's looking for something large to hit me with ツ

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   Remember Kids: 'Stop, Drop and Roll' doesn't work in Hell ツ

   If I had a really small dog that took really big poops, I'm pretty sure I would name him Deuce ツ

   This year, I think I'd like to visit the 'Smithereens'. Seems like just about everyone gets blown there ツ

   A friend of mine said that being gay wasn't so bad, but sometimes it's a real pain in the ass ツ

   Irish I was drunk already ツ

   "I bet you're the kinda girl who likes the strong, silent type, aren't you?" ~ best way to announce passing gas in an office setting while avoiding sexual harassment charges ツ

   Good News! We just got our taxes done and we'll be getting a refund! It should be just enough to pay for getting our taxes done! ツ

   Words of Wisdom: Don't cover your mouth when you sneeze. You'll get snot and stuff all over your hands ツ

   I can hardly wait for asparagus season! The red and green colors in the toilet remind me of Christmas ツ

   Never bring a spoon to a spork fight ツ

   I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser ツ

   I don't always drink and drive, but when I do, I make sure the kids are strapped safely in their car seats. That's called responsible parenting ツ

   If I had a Burrito Supreme for every time this stupid toilet got plugged up… I probably wouldn't have a plugged up toilet ツ

   Doing a 'selfie' actually means something quite different than what I had originally thought. Sorry weird stranger, whom I called a 'sticky handed monkey pounder'. My bad ツ

   How disappointing! I've been hearing all month about 'Shart' week coming up on the discovery channel and it turns out it's nothing but a movie about a bunch of stupid fish ツ

   Walking calmly and nonchalantly to the bathroom and then fighting to get my britches down in record time so's I don't poop down a pant leg seems to be among my most recent list of super powers today. Life is good ツ

   I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ

   I think I read somewhere that there will be no farting in heaven, but I bet it's still a really cool place ツ