lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   My biggest regret in life is eating whatever that was I found under my keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

   A good friend will take you to the hospital if you fall into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.

   Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   I gave Mr. Potato Head some weed.Before I knew it,he was baked.

   Thanks to the BP oil spill in the Gulf, fish oil capsule supplements will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   After undergoing a sex change operation, a judge in Santa Monica granted Chaz Bono's petition to be recognized legally as a man. He celebrated by leaving the toilet seat up.

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   If Microsoft made actual windows,our houses would be full of thieves and prostitutes.

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.

   Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   Eight deaths in one year at a Chinese phone manufacturing plant? There's an App for that.

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

   ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.