GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   It's so strange to think before Facebook, all this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

   I read somewhere that being sarcastic on a daily basis can add up to three years to your life. If that's true, I'm gonna live forever.

   Marriage tip: If your wife cooks, make sure the smoke detector has good batteries in it!

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland are furious.

   Egg prices are dropping. It turns out that if you stop killing chickens, they lay more eggs.

   I said, "Alexa, what do women want"? The thing hasn't shut up for seven days.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you.

   Wife: Have you seen the broom? Me: Where did you put it when you landed?

   I tried to play hide and seek. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off the leash.

   Hi

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for motivation.

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently "A way out" wasn't the right answer.

   I just bought $200 worth of groceries... And then ordered pizza because I don't feel like cooking after the hassle of buying groceries!

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

   Whoever named it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti missed a great opportunity.

   Like I said before: Newsflash, I'm not going anywhere. In fact, the more ignorant you get, the stronger I get. So it doesn't do you any good to keep trying to attack me.

   You can walk around Walmart and eat grapes and nobody bothers you, but as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken, here comes security.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn't do either.

   Exactly! The more they try to come at me, the stronger I get and the harder I laugh at them.