GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she's not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a great catch!

   Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination".

   Last night my car broke down outside a pizza place. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love. Unless of course you're in prison.

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

   I think my neighbor is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

   Look guys! I know I've been bad. I've said and posted things many of you have found to be unfavorable. However, with your help and a little bit of encouragement, I can become so much worse.

   I've been having some financial problems. I'm so broke I owe myself money.

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.

   After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.

   Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

   Life hack: Rent the same type of car that you own and switch the tires. Best $39.95 I ever spent.

   I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

   Please don't ride with me if you're going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   I just read a list called "100 Things to do Before You Die". I was really surprised that "Yell for Help" wasn't one of them.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go". Well, we showed them.

   Newsflash to all the haters out there trying to hate on me: I'm not going anywhere!