Leeferd Funny Status Messages

   People never say, "Boy that was sure a great Ben Affleck movie".

   decided to burn some calories this weekend so I set a fat kid on fire.

   It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.

   Sharting: (verb) when you try to cut the cheese and get the whole nacho dip.

   just got a painting of David Carradine and I hung it in my closet.

   I've gotta come clean. That's why I masturbate with Purell®.

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"

   "This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry.

   I'm good at reading between the lines when I'm doing cocaine off of a Kindle™.

   Why is it that whenever I'm on vacation I can ALWAYS find a Law & Order marathon on TNT?

   "Weebonics"- The adorable chatter of a toddler.

   You know you're getting old when you no longer buy cereal for the prize but for the fiber content.

   Why do all Mexican restaurants serve Pepsi and not Coke?

   wishes more businesses would check their signs for mistakes. There is a HUGE difference in "Closed for remodeling" and " Closed for remolding."

   Does PETA think all animals die a natural death, with hospice care, surrounded by family keeping vigil until passing quietly into the night?

   not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes.

   The way my luck runs, if I were hanging on to the side of a cliff for dear life, the person reaching down to pull me up would be a leper.

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.